The goddess in bloom handcuffed and raped

Gay couple cuffed, cited after kiss near LDS temple
Trespassing » Plaza walkway is church property.

By Lindsay Whitehurst

The Salt Lake Tribune
Updated: 07/10/2009 06:57:10 PM MDT

A gay couple says they were detained by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints security guards after one man kissed another on the cheek Thursday on Main Street Plaza.

"They targeted us," said Matt Aune, 28. "We weren't doing anything inappropriate or illegal, or anything most people would consider inappropriate for any other couple."

Aune and his partner, Derek Jones, 25, were cited by Salt Lake City police for trespassing on the plaza, located at 50 East North Temple, according to Sgt. Robin Snyder.

In a written statement, church spokeswoman Kim Farah denied the two were singled out for being gay.

"Two individuals came on church property and were politely asked to stop engaging in inappropriate behavior -- just as any other couple would have been," she said. She declined to comment on what is considered inappropriate behavior, and on the rules governing the plaza.

Though Salt Lake City sold the property to the church in the late 1990s, it remains a popular pedestrian thoroughfare, and a site where couples often pose affectionately for photos.

The kiss happened on a former public easement given up by city in 2003 in a controversial land-swap deal. The easement became private property, allowing the church to ban protesting, smoking, sunbathing and other "offensive, indecent, obscene, lewd or disorderly speech, dress or conduct," church officials said at the time. In exchange, the city got church property for a west-side community center.

I don't need a mansion, a boat, or a shiny new car.  I don't need millions in the bank, thousand dollar suits, or haircuts that cost more than some people make in a year.  At the end of the day, all I need is to return to the arms of the person who loves me, despite my flaws, and to see joy on the faces of our children.  That is happiness.  That is success.  That is WEALTH.  And that is all.

Wow what a long few weeks it has been!  It seems like I'm so terribly busy all of the time.  So tomorrow marks my first "I'm not leaving the house" day.  Yay!

Other than being busy, life has been pretty okay.  I got a bit stressed in a few areas of life, so last week I only went to the gym once as opposed to the 4 times I would like to.  And I didn't follow the diet I've set for myself, yeah, at all really.  But this week is looking better in most ways. 

Yesterday we had the family barbque thing at R's house.  It was so great!  I got to be with people I hardly ever get to see, just because life keeps everyone so busy.  It was really nice.  And so many kids!  Delilah was very happy about that. I still frown at being in Utah from time to time, but when I think about how much the people here really love me, and how sad it was to be miles away from my best friends, I'm a bit more okay. 

I'm considering starting school for a computer science degree.  I'm not sure yet though.  I don't doubt my capabilities, but the course is long. 

Dark Arts this weekend!!  I think for financial/time management reasons I will only be attending Saturday to see Redemption, but if you can make it out to any/all of the days, you should!!!!  We have a great 'dark' culture in SLC, lets go out, have a great time, and support that.

Today is the last day of kindergarten for my little monkey.  Phooey.  I don't want her to grow up!

Things seem to be turning around in most areas of life.  I am finding more peace and happiness.  This is a good thing. 

I've started the gym with R again.  We go 4-5 times a week, and my eating habits have turned completely around.  I feel good things in the future in that regard. 

E and I have learned, together, the importance of communicating with eachother.  Which is very, very good.  I hope that this will keep us both free of the problems we have suffered before. 

On a sad note, my mom has been diagnosed with a pretty serious condition.   I’m hoping it won’t be as serious as it seems, some people are less affected than others.  I’m hoping she’s one of those.  Bee and her circle of wonderful girls are streaming good energy our way. 

This summer is awesome, concert wise!  In June, Redemption (at Dark Arts).  In July, VnV Nation, hell yes!   And Tool!  Then in August, Depeche Mode.  Very good stuff!! 

Bright blessings to all.

And the weekend comes again!  I'm so happy I have my weekend while the rest of the world doesn't, as it makes going places better.  Though I don't think we'll be going far this weekend.  To the park with the little pretties, maybe.  Lucian is probably ready for a slide!

Readjusting to life here has been difficult.  For instance, I need to go to AutoZone and get some power steering fluid, but I find myself wondering if they are open, as it is Sunday.  Something I wouldn't have had to think twice about in Portland.  Also I miss the beauty of Oregon.  You have to wait for Utah to get pretty, and even at its best it fails in comparison to the mountains in Oregon.  But I do enjoy having my friends and family near me.

Even though I'm a bit of an arse sometimes.  I was at dinner with my mom, R, and K the other day.  R said something about a cousin who had 'attempted' suicide (12 pills is a fail attempt.) and my mom made the comment about how people who commit suicide are selfish, a remark I felt was directed toward me (though in retrospect, it may not have been).  So, being the ...challenging... person I sometimes am, I stated that people who wanted other people to live in misery just so that they don't have to be sad about a death are selfish.  Yeah...R has had a lot of problems in the family with suicide, so that was probably a little rude to say.  I should have thought before speaking.  But she seemed only slightly phased and we talked about it later. 

R and I are going to start going to the gym again, as we did really well with that before when we were going.  I'm excited.  And happy to be close to her again.  She's the best friend a girl could have (aside from my Babydoll, who is the best everything a girl could have). 

And on that subject….  E's mom says it is normal to struggle, and that our relationship will require constant work for awhile.  I see how wonderful we still fit together when we can just let go and be happy. When we can push aside long weeks, kid stress, bad moods, crappy days, and just focus on each other, it is like the fire that raged when we first met still burns, maybe even more so.  

My goals from here out are to be more patient, and to be loving, even if I'm exhausted and I don't feel like it.  So that I can be the best partner I’m able to be.  I'm going to try to keep a daily journal of our progress and setbacks, but you guys can't see :) 

 

I think that about wraps it up.  Only 14 more minutes of work.  Yay!! 

Well it has been awhile, yes?  I find it hard to write when things are going badly in life, and I'm trying to keep myself busy to not go crazy.  But now that the winds of change are blowing....

A woman who cared for me as if I were her own child, a woman I called 'mom' passed away in February.  So I packed a bag and came down to Utah for a few days to be there for those that needed to be there.  When I returned to Portland my mom told me she had gone to the doctor and had been diagnosed with some pretty serious illnesses. Not fatal or anything, but ones that I knew she would want some help and support in managing.  So I made the decision to move back down to Utah.

 Bleh. 

I moved to Portland because I'm not a big fan of life in Utah.  There is a different feeling in the Pacific Northwest, like a feeling of freedom, and even the air feels different.  I will miss it greatly, and how much I want to be there is something I think about every day.  But I missed out on a lot while there too.  I didn't make any real connections with other people, and my partner and I never got to go out or do anything with just the two of us because we didn't have anyone who could watch the kids.  We have that here, which is a very good thing.  We also have a lot of love and support from friends and family members, which is awesome.  So while I miss some things about being in Portland (mostly good beer) I feel I've gained a bit by coming back. 

 Of course I've already been to a Redemption show, so when I start to think about how I'm not really Utah-friendly, I just remind myself that I don't have to pout when Redemption is playing because I can go see them instead :P 

 

We moved in to a seemingly nice apartment.  I think we're overpaying for the amount of stuff that doesn't work right and the crappy neighbors.  But maybe I'm hard to please, who knows. 

 

The kids are doing mostly well.  Our entire family was hit with a mixture of the flu and bronchitis when we got here, and nearly everyone has recovered from that.  Things with my partner and I got bad, breaking point bad, but we are working on making it better.  Sometimes I think that while relationships require work, this one requires a bit too much work sometimes.  And I wonder if I would be better of to just leave.  But then I start feeling really empty inside, and I know that isn't a feeling that would pass.  It is hard to say what the future will hold, for me, for us, for anyone, but right now I think the right thing to do is to keep trying.  I think if we both just keep trying there shouldn't be anything we can't over come.  

 

I was lucky enough to be able to transfer with my company, so I went right back to work when I got here.  I hung out with the new hires for awhile, but now I'm at my own desk and taking calls again.  Yay!  When I'm not working I'm trying to balance out the kids, the friends, and the WoW (I know, WoW is lame, stfu) I would quit WoW I think if it weren't for the love of my guildies.  They are a great bunch and I'm quite proud to be their leader. 

 

Well I think that about covers it.  I have a half hour left on my shift, then I start my weekend.  I am going to visit Margie and get some rest in I think.  Well it sounds like a plan, but I never really know what is going to happen. 

 

Hope all are well.

 

 

 

On a major website, which uses Flash to scroll through pages of links to articles, games, and shopping sites:

Page 1:
Ready, set, shop!
(clickable links to buy the following):
Ugg boots
Dressy Boots
Handbags
Digital Cameras
HDTV Sets
GPS Systems
Watches.  

PG 2
(clickable links to news articles):

Report: Siege at the Taj Hotel is Over
Shoppers Trample Wal Mart Worker
Wall St. Has Best 5 Day Rally in 75 Yrs.
2 Dead in Toys R Us Shooting
Remains of Fireball Meteor Found

We live in a world where advertising more things to buy is more important than displaying news about a terror siege coming to an end, or a story about how Black Friday shoppers trampled a man to death in order to further the greed, blind consumerism, and general lack of caring that seems so predominant, on this stupid day especially.  

But YAY XMAS, AMIRITE???

(and by xmas, I mean YAY! CONSUMERISM)

I wrote this...sometime this month I believe.  Maybe late last month.  It has been hiding.  It is not hiding any longer.

“Loss”

Reaching out, failing
Consistently doing everything wrong
Unsure of when to just let go
Knowing no reason to stay strong

Hopelessly plunging in to tomorrow
Aware that it is all the same
Distance, pain, and loneliness increasing
Not knowing who to blame

Watching the love I have waited for
Collapse, tumble to the ground
Seeing myself turn further away
Powerless to turn back around

Mourning the loss I am suffering
Accepting what has come to be
Wondering how my now lost love is affected
Will love be grieving, just like me

Gathering the will to leave
Breaking the promise not to cry
Envisioning the emptiness of my life
And whispering goodbye

 

I can be as cold, distant, and uncaring as others in this world sometimes seem.  In fact, I have been in the past.  I don't like what I become when that line of thinking is enabled.  I can pretend everything is fine as well.  All the way up until the point where what has been held in explodes, and I become unwilling to try for a resolution.  
I can make myself be something that I hate to survive in life.  I can also promise nothing good will come of it.
 
Schism defined: Disunion; discord
 
"Schism" --Tool  (excerpts)
 
The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication
 
I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them tumble down
No fault, none to blame it doesn't mean I don't desire to
Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over
To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication
 
I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing
Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication
 
Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
 
Between supposed lovers

Long time with out a real update, I know.  The reason is that I notice I only write about when things are either really good, or really bad.  Things have been kind of bouncing back and forth for the past little while.  They still are, but I wanted to get an update in anyway.  

I have been working at Comcast since the middle of June.  I really like it, I think.  It came down to choosing between Comcast and Yahoo.  Yahoo had three positions open, all of which I applied and interviewed for.  The two that gave me offers were only hiring 1-3 people, and they interviewed for weeks.  All were for tier 3 support.  So out of hundreds of applicants, I was picked for two tier 3 support positions.  Honestly, that made me feel pretty good about myself.  It took a lot of internal debating to decide on which company to go with, and in the end, I'm confident in the one I chose.  Yeah, that Yahoo job included not taking phone calls, and yeah, that would have been awesome, but I like my team, and I already pretty much knew the job.  Meh.  For the first time in my life the kids and I all have insurance, which is really awesome.  

Margie moved up here for a little while.  It was really great to see her, but she had to move back, and I'm rather sad about it.  I didn't get to see her very much while she was up here, so it seems (now) like a visit.  I wish we had more time that we could have spent together.  Delilah had a really good time playing with her kids, so she's really sad too.  I haven't heard from her since she set out to go back to Utah, so I'm really hoping she is okay.  

Our home life has been kind of screwy lately.  I went from working 3-12, then 8-5 for training, now back to 3-12 and sleeping schedules are a bit messed up.  Add to that the variety of things that living with other people brings (such as lack of privacy, strangers moving in and out, noise, annoyances, people who insist the air conditioner shouldn't be used even when its 103 degrees outside) and you can imagine it hasn't been exactly roses and puppies all the time.  We do our best to stay  positive and do our best to look past all that, but sometimes we fail.  I'm absolutely grateful for our roommate because she really saved us from completely failing here in Oregon, but I'm looking forward to having our own place again, which should happen by March of next year.   

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I am, what I am not, and what I should expect of myself.  I am hoping to expand on these thoughts during the two day camping trip we're taking starting Monday.  I don't want to go outside, mommy!  I want to stay home and play WoW.  Yes.  But I need the time to really reflect on the upcoming months, and to reconnect with myself, with my lover, and with the energy that makes me feel whole and powerful.  Which will be a great change from feeling weak and broken.  

The kids are doing great, Lucian is four months old now, and huge.  He smiles all the time!  This morning I watched him roll from his back to his tummy.  He will be crawling away any time now, I'm sure.  

I'm at work now, about to email myself this update to post when I'm home.  I hope anyone reading this (if anyone even does) is doing well.  More soon. 

Taking Away Her Power

Dawn turns to dusk
To dawn again
Time is ever passing and
We just let it slip
     Away
Far and away
We forget time
Is a cruel mistress who
Will one day betray us all
     Truly
One day we will all awake
To find lives unfulfilled
Unprepared for the road beyond
Our mistress, she smiles
     Decay
The product of our lady's work
Lives wither, bodies turn to dust
Experiences forgotten, pain recalled
Past wounds ferment, stealing lives
     Rebel
Take back our precious seconds
Minutes, hours, days, years
Lifetimes, ours again and
All with a simple choice
     Punish
Torment our mistress with laughter
Embrace each moment, live every second
Take chances, laugh, love, and
Release ourselves from her grasp

June 27, 2008

If there is a pool in the backyard, I will jump in it, no matter how freezing, if I'm drunk enough.  Lesson learned today.  Now I'm cold.

In other news.  The days get lonlier, and the things that are fucked up in life are not changing.  Nor do I believe, in my heart, that they will. 

I start at Comcast on Monday, though I have one more interview with Yahoo tomorrow.  This will be my fourth.  Thankfully they've decided to save us both time and just do a phone interview. 

That is all.

"Love"

Love feels weak and bending
Like it might be about to break
Love feels unstable and changing
There is nothing left to take

Love feels violent and angry
Yet desperate and cold
Love feels tossed aside and forgotten
And there is sorrow left untold

Love feels lost and lonely
Wandering in the dark
Love feels ashamed and abused
Without hope of rekindling its spark

Love feels doubt and regret
Burdened and unsure
Love feels like weeping with the willows
And for ever longs to again be pure

Love feels courage and excitement
Knowing it will not flee
Love feels the warmth of the blade
And finally love feels free

I am love, you are love, we are all found, in love.

06/18/2008

"In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
'Till I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hands
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away" just make a smile
Come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How could you did this to me?"


Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you."

Blue October

There is a frog that lives somewhere in the back yard, probably by the pool.  Most nights, its croaking is very calming to me.  Tonight it was joined by a cricket, which also generally makes me happy.  Not tonight though. 

The path to the happiness I saw in the dream has hit a speed bump.  Or rather the road has stopped to reveal a ravine, resuming on the other side, but likely too far away from me. 

I try to trick myself in to believe there are reasons for me to go on...the kids need me, Elle needs me, something good is waiting just over the horizon...but it is all lies. 

I feel like everything I had or could have had is gone, and I'm left alone. Isn't it amazing how a person could live their life with never a minute alone and still manage to be completely lonely?  Every time I think I've hit the bottom, I try to make the first move to climbing back up, only to fall further.  Which leaves me wondering what the point is. 

And I'm back to where I was before.  A life without medication could lead to the note on the bed and the body in the bath tub, but a life with medication isn't a life to be desired. 

Thankfully, the liquor store will open in a few hours.  I'm sure I'll still be awake.

"How could I ever think its funny how
everything that swore it wouldnt change is differnet now
just like you
Would always say well make it through then my head fell apart
And where were you?
How could I ever think its funny how
everything you swore would never change is different now
like you said you and me make it through
Didnt quite fall apart
Where the fuck where you?"

So it is time for a real post.  The problem has been that I went from serene to horribly depressed at a rate that surprised even me.  The past few weeks have been quite the battle, between changing hormone levels and the general lack of sleep associated with having a newborn.  Thankfully, I feel the winds of change blowing. 

The big debate in my head has been whether or not I need to seek medication again, to avoid anything tragic happening.  Up until yesterday I had believed that medication was going to be necessary.  Which made me really sad, because I remember what it was like.  Feeling like someone else.  Being unable to feel.  Unable to write anything.  At this point I haven’t written any poetry in a long while, but it is nice to think that I am still able.  When I was medicated last time I was completely unable to do so. 

Feeling better started with a vision of a perfect day.  One that I hope is in our future.  I saw myself being truly happy.  And that isn’t something I’ve been able to see for awhile.  Elle has been, as always, the one thing keeping me going.  Sometimes I think I need her more than I could ever tell her.  She always helps put a stop to the downward spiral, even if it doesn’t happen right away. 

I’ve started applying for some jobs, and am looking forward to getting back to work.  We were thinking about moving to Boise or back to Utah, but I think a better idea would be for us to work on a career, something that can’t be done by trained monkeys.  So we would actually be able to afford to live here.  We worked very hard to get here for a reason – we love it here.  I do really miss my mom, but I decided that if she wants to choose to be apart from me, that is her choice, and there isn’t much I can do about it.  And of course I miss my friends, but that is part of life I guess.  I miss Kelsey something awful though.  He brought a lot of fun in to my life, and I miss that.  Next year, maybe, he and Rose will get to come up here.  Danny and Katie might come up for their anniversary, but Danny is well known for making plans and not keeping them, so I’m trying not to put too much faith in to that.  It would be very nice to see some of the Utah peoples though :P 

Oh speaking of Utah, if you live there, and you’re reading this, you damn well better be planning on attending the Dark Arts Festival this year!  OMG, I have so much jealousy.  Johnny Indovina on Friday, Redemption on Saturday, and London After Midnight on Sunday.  LAM in Utah, yay!!  I would give anything to be able to go, but I can’t.  But if you are in Utah, you had better!! On the Redemption front, it sounds like the new album will be out soon, which is super exciting.  Someday I will be able to dye my hair back to the color it is supposed to be, and I can finally take some pictures of my tattoo.  My hair grew a bit while I was preggo and I have not seen so much “natural”  hair color in nearly ten years! Back on track though, darkartsfestival.com is where you can find the lineup and all that jazz.  And if you are reading this from the Portland area, and know of any gothy type events such as this, please, fill me in!

Well, being past six in the morning, I think it is time to get some sleep, despite what Lucian thinks.  I do hope all are well.

She shines
in a world full of ugliness
She matters
when everything is meaningless

Fragile
She doesn't see her beauty
She tries to get away
Sometimes
it's just that nothing seems worth saving
I can't watch her slip away

I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart

She reads the minds of all the people
as they pass her by
Hoping someone will see
If I could fix myself I'd...
but it's too late for me

I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart
I won't let you fall apart

We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
but they keep waiting
and picking
and picking
and picking...

It's something I have to do
[I won't let you fall apart]
I was there too
[I won't let you fall apart]
Before everything else
[I won't let you fall apart]
I was like you
[I won't let you fall apart]

This is *your* life, and today is all you have.  Live it, love it. 

(Sorry, I've been feeling a bit serene....)